Day 11

And going strong! I am surprised, like on the daily, by how easy this program is. I keep waiting for something to happen. For HUGE cravings to set in. For me to get cranky and want to murder everyone. But nada. I read the book – so I read the psychological timeline, and what people normally experience. And other than a headache on day one, being super hungry days 1-3, and pretty tired (days 1-4), that’s it. The food is amazing. I am amazed almost every day at how good everything is. I don’t feel deprived of ANYTHING. Ok, that’s a lie. I do miss ONE thing. Any guesses what?

Ya, sweetened coffee πŸ˜‰ Buuuuuut, I can drink plain coffee with just unsweetened coconut milk without complaining now. I can even have more than one cup in a day. So I think I’m making progress. Slow progress, but progress. I’ve made progress with maybe keeping with the coconut milk for my coffee when I’m done Whole30 – doesn’t bring a weird taste like almond milk (seriously, ew). But it’s sooooo expensive! $4 for a 2L carton, and I go through one of those pretty darn quickly considering how much I put in my coffee. Like, I’m almost out, and I bought my new one just on Sunday or something. Regular milk, I get those weird bags of milk from Costco (fine filtered!) for $4.50. Sigh. Cows are just cheaper I guess. No shade to bagged milk. I’m just from BC, and we don’t do bagged milk there. Took me an incredibly long time to even buy bagged milk out here – I thought it was so gross, hahahaha.

I started my new exercise program – I’m 4/4 so far! Stoked. No need to use my pre-workout supplement yet. Bonus. I am able to get up at 5am and do my workouts on coffee alone! The energy one gets from this program is just amazing. Next week is my first Insanity Max 30 week :S That scares me a bit. I basically have to modify the modifier when I do those workouts, lol. I’m really hoping for some major re-shaping with these workouts and Whole30 combined. I’m really noticing my shape changing, and that is so awesome. It’s really coming together.

I am also down 3lbs since last week. Ya, I know the “rules” say NO WEIGHING IN. Ok, fine, I can see their point. But I pay $67/month to belong to Weight Watchers and attend meetings – I ain’t wasting my money by not going. I am also very well aware of not using the scale to measure one’s overall health progression – so I threw that rule out tha window, and I’m cool with that.

Back to food – I am having the best meals! Shrimp tacos yesterday, buffalo wings tonight. Yes, WINGS! Frank’s Red Hot is compliant! Like, be still my heart! I am not even a huge hot sauce fan. But if it’s a processed condiment that I’m allowed, bring it on board! So I made wings with ghee instead of butter in the sauce. They were flipping amazing! Frickin bitch to make (as with most things on this program). So tender and flavourful!

Next Saturday marks the first full day of Ramadan (May 27) – we shall see how taking care of my partner during his fasting (and resulting breaking of the fasts) goes with Whole30 – both are complete time sucks and I’m worried I’m going to get burned out. I am dedicating a day to prep work for Ramadan this weekend. A lot of stuff can be prepped ahead of time. I need to be on top of this so I can take care of myself just as much as I’ll be taking care of him. You can see an earlier post on Ramadan if you’re curious what it’s like for me πŸ™‚

For now it’s off to bed – don’t want to lose my streak!

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Dinner! All Whole30 compliant πŸ˜€

 

Holy Batman! Updates

Wowza! Loooooong time of no posting. I always make such grand bloggin plans that always fall ridiculously short in reality.

So, updates! In a shocking twist, I am NOT writing with news that I have fallen off the proverbial wagon and am re-committing AGAIN. I have been going strong since January – diligently following Weight Watchers and working out. I’m down about 16 lbs or so since my December dr’s appt – I may be turtling, but turtles still bloody move, so I’m all good there. In January I was doing #Coredeforce deluxe calendar, and then in Feb I did their hybrid calendar where they take the best of #coredeforce and mix it with workouts from Beachbody On Demand – so I did a little bit of everything, including like 3 workouts from the Insanity or Insanity Asylum series – crazy town. I was super proud of myself for getting through those ones.

I started Hammer and Chisel (for the second time) in ummm, April? End of March I think actually, and am just coming off of two months of doing that. I will admit that the last two weeks of Hammer and Chisel I just bunked off completely. After killing it for 5 months, I needed a break, and got into a workout funk. I’d literally be glaring at my computer when it was time to workout, all attitude and shiz about having to workout. So I took a break.

Other things prompted a break as well. With WW, I’ve been eating pretty clean. Probably 80/20 and doing really well with it. All in control and stuff. Then a friend messages me like, umm, 3 weeks ago? And says “Hey! Wanna come on a #Whole30 challenge with me??” Masochist that I am, I said “sure!” Cause this seems like the PERFECT challenge for a person who loathes most vegetables in any form other than raw or on a sandwich/burger and who drinks coffee with milk and splenda like 3 times per day. Perfect choice for that person…

So naturally, I hit up my #rideordie partner, my cousin, and hauled her in cause lord knows I wasn’t doing this by myself!

What is #Whole30?? Whole30 is basically an elimination diet that removes food groups known to cause inflammation in people. So – dairy – sugar – grains (ALL grains, including corn) – legumes (bye bye beans). You eat real foods, unprocessed (it has to be unprocessed – you can basically find NOTHING Whole30 compliant that’s been processed, lol), with lots of protein, veggies, some fruit, and healthy fats (olive oil, coconut oil, some ghee etc.).

After the end of the 30 days, you follow a re-introduction schedule that slowly (over about 10 days) puts the eliminated foods back into your diet and you can see how your body reacts to them. Then you can decide how to deal with it. For example, if bringing back dairy makes you violently ill, maybe you wanna keep that one off your meal plan for the foreseeable future, or at least limit it hard core. Ultimately, the creators of the program and movement, would want to see people stick with the Whole30 regime forever, but let’s be realistic here – that ain’t gonna happen. But at least you can figure out what truly bothers your body and go from there.

I am 1 week in with no slips. I like their mentality about slips. There are no “slips” – everything is a choice. If I had milk and splenda in my coffee, that was a CHOICE – no one forced me to do that. No one forced me to go off plan. Same with having a slice of pizza cause someone unexpectedly brought it home one night. No one tied you to a chair and shoved that slice down your throat. It may feel like that – with familial guilt and peer pressure, it may feel like it’s being forced (I get it – my family loves with food), but in the end, it’s you who decides what goes into you, so there are no “slips”. There either is or there isn’t. It’s black and white, in a world where that is rarely the case.

Now, albeit, I have it pretty easy. My family lives 3000 miles away (disclaimer – I love my fam, really do – and I hate living that far away from them, but in this scenario, it works for me) – I control everything in my own home. I am the cook (the thought of my bf cooking scares me a lil bit – he’s burnt his own eye lashes before). I pack my own lunch. It’s a very controlled setting. My #rideordie isn’t in that controlled setting. Her hubby isn’t following the program and is bringing home non-Whole30 food on the regular. Same with her MIL. That’s real temptation and I applaud her for getting through it. The creators of the program said that it’s hard, yes – but not the hardest thing out there. Hello #firstworldproblems, you can live without your damn sweet coffee for a month. It’s just a frickin month.

Why do I keep bringing up coffee?? I really miss my coffee, haha. I miss my sweet coffee with milk (I weaned myself off cream a while ago). I am now drinking coffee with just coconut milk (from the carton, not the can – so it’s akin to almond milk in thickness versus what you’ll get from the canned version) WITH NO SWEETENER. I miss it. I really really miss it. I don’t miss anything else with the same vehemence that I do my sweet coffee. But wait, you said you drink your coffee with splenda, well that’s not “sugar”. Sigh. Same argument I tried to make with the Whole30 program book (we had WORDS over this). The program doesn’t allow for ANY sweetener – no sugar (of any variety), no agave, no maple syrup, no stevia, no splenda, definitely no aspartame (ok, I get that one) – NOTHING. Because the program isn’t about being mean to you, it’s about changing your taste buds and your relationship with food. This program is STRICTER than Paleo diets, and I never thought that was possible. Because on Paleo diets, as long as you use Paleo compliant ingredients, go nuts. So you can bake. You can make coffee sweeteners (I think dates are involved – have never tried it), and still be compliant. On Whole30, no. You can’t have “treats” of any variety and the only time dates are allowed to sweeten things are in some sauces.

GAH. So I have been having UNSWEET coffee for a week, and it took me until like 2 days ago to actually finish a cup of the stuff. The first few days were ROUGH. I persevered, cause no coffee was a worse alternative for me.

Other than that – I have to say, in week 1 honeymoon phase, I am doing AWESOME. I have been making really good food – stuff that’s very similar to what I ate before, and basically just loving the tastes and experiences. I had like an epiphany over nuts a few days ago. Normally I wouldn’t eat nuts. Sure, healthy fats, but still not on the “greatest food ever” list – you eat too many of those bad boys and it won’t be good. Well, I started eating cashews and unsalted pistachios and I am IN LOVE. Like never realized how good those suckers are! Yes they’re high in fat (the good kind I’m told), but they’re filling, and satisfy so many cravings. I measure out a portion, and rarely get through it all. I’m still following WW, so I’m not using this month as a free for all, what I eat still needs to fit within my daily points target. But guess what happens when you remove basically all food groups? Leaves room for nuts! And nut butter! (almond, not peanut, cause peanut is a legume, sigh). It re-shaped a little wee portion of my brain and its relationship to food. That was pretty cool.

I also made plantain chips (you can’t buy commercially prepared chips of any variety on Whole30), and discovered just how amazeballs those are! So many new discoveries, which is awesome. Though with the plantain chips, after Whole30, I’m likely ditching the “prepare my own” and buying them at like Whole Foods or something cause they are a bitch to make.

So it’s only been a week, but it’s been soooo much easier than I imagined. I am also ridiculously upbeat and have more energy than before. Case in point, up at 5 am this morning (getting ready to workout here), and had coffee vs. my preworkout supplement, and I am doing fine! I had given myself an exception to the program to take my preworkout since 5 am is really goddamned early and I often need the extra push to get through the workout. But it has either stevia or splenda in it – like it has sweetener (can’t remember which one) – and after a week, I decided that if I truly don’t NEED it (like, maybe it’s been a really rough night, etc.), then I am going to drink my coffee as my boost and not use my preworkout. Not ruling it out completely – I will go by how I feel. I’d be pretty pumped if I got through this month without it.

I am also starting a new program calendar today! Yay! I am doing a hybrid of Core de Force and Insanity Max 30. One week of CDF, then one week of Max 30, etc., until I move through both total programs (so about 2 months, a little less). Max 30 is INSANE! I did a week of it a couple months back and ohemgee! What I like is a) 30 minutes long baby! and b) it’s FAST. You’re like, omg I’m dying, I’m dying, oh wait, it’s done, cool! I’m pretty sure Shaun T plans it that way.

Time to get that workout in! I hope to do more weekly posts on how this Whole30 is going. I feel like it’s going to be an important challenge for me, and that I should document how I’m feeling. Might as well document for the world as well! πŸ˜‰

Have a great week!

Week 3 and Positively Positive

I am through 3 weeks of Core de Force and my newest continuation of my fitness and health journey. Not a new attempt, not re-starting, just a renewal of my commitment and continuation of being on track and taking things seriously.

I’ve been meaning to write for some time, however, things have been crazy and every time I go to post, my bf bursts in and I get interrupted (I don’t share this blog with him – say too many things about him! haha).

I have been doing amazing. For two weeks I have tracked everything I’ve eaten, and I’ve followed every workout. It was amazing. Core de Force is fucking hard. Like holy shit. I am not one to poo poo body weight exercises, especially considering the body weight I have to work with. But I figured, hey, punching and kicking, no big deal. HAHAHAHAHAHA. It’s hard. I mod the fuck out of things, but I keep pushing. I am keeping my 5:30 am wake up call. I’ve gotten used to it, for the most part. I take my pre workout, browse my facebook etc., then pound it out.

The one thing I am struggling with is that a lot of the CDF workouts are LOOOOOOOOONG, so if I’m not on it right at 6:00 am, I am late cause it goes past 7 and then I will be late for work. It’s a mental battle for sure to actually get dressed and working out by 6 am.

My eating has been on track. I am so fucking proud of myself. I am following Weight Watchers, and in their app they have this portion where you get a little blue dot if you eat within a healthy “points” range in that day. I kept those blue dots for 2 weeks, including last weekend. That was a huge moment for me.

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Catch all the dots!!! Pokemon for weight loss πŸ˜‰

Yesterday I did not get a blue dot. I recently purchased a new iphone and have had it all of a week before the silence button wasn’t working. So I was in the Apple store getting a new phone – I was done at 7pm. I told the bf, I have to go home, I have to workout. Turns out he had all these shopping plans and we ended up shopping for two hours. I was pissed. I am a planner. I had planned a good dinner, to workout, and to be relaxing at home. Instead, I was stuck inside a mall for a solid two hours, hungry, not able to meet my fitness goal, and blistering hot as I had worn my awesome sauce mukluks to work today cause it was cold and a little snowy – well these damn boots are rated down to -30. Do you think that mall was -30? I was so fucking hot my feet felt like they were going to explode. And every time I said, no, I don’t want to shop, I NEED to do my plan, my bf scoffed and pushed until we just ended up doing his shit. I ended up blowing up at him about it in the car on the way to dinner. Case in point:

  1. I can’t shop right now, need to workout and have good dinner – him–> well I need to, so we’re going to
  2. I need to leave, I am fucking boiling hot and starving – him –> well I just need to get this stuff done so I can focus on other things (me: and your fucking focus is more important than my fucking focus???)
  3. He needs to go to walmart – I said, you have to fucking feed me before Walmart. Walmart is open till 11 – dinner, then stupid ass Walmart – just guess which one happened first
  4. Deciding on dinner – me: I want Red Lobster (had already looked at a nice small steak and shrimp dinner option with half a baked potato and a salad) – him: no, I want wings, I’m not hungry enough for Red Lobster
  5. FUCK FINE – we’ll get wings, but I want St. Louis then – him: ummm, St Louis? You sure? How about “fucking wing place he can’t even remember”

That’s when I lost it. Holy shit balls I lost it.EVERY SINGLE THING I said he countered and who got their way? The zero consideration of me and what I needed just pushed me over the edge. I think he realized that his morning he asked me to go do something for him that was out of my way and not part of my AM plan – “murder eyes” – him: uh, ok, will do myself. Good choice.

So I lost my blue dot and had wings and deep fried pickles. It was awesome. But not awesome enough for me to want to repeat it any time soon. I am getting my weekend blue dots if it kills me cause next week is a major food week and I’m going to need all the help I can get!

Overall, Core de Force and my attention to the plan has been awesome, and I’m very happy. I lost over 6 lbs since I started and I am excited to keep going. This round of CDF ends not this coming week, but the week after. Then I will take a couple yoga days, then I am starting the Core de Force Deluxe program. It seems to resonate with me, so I am going to ride that wave while I can!

Happy weekend!

Still Here

I have ignored this space for some time now. I have ignored the feelings of sharing and some sense of an outlet. It almost embarrassed me to think that I hadn’t written anything (not here, not in my paper journal) for such a long time. I always seem to be posting at the beginning of things, but fall off in the middle, and never really make it to the end, so nothing to write about there. Then I have to remember, fuck that. Writing is for me, no matter where I do it. Here, or in a private journal. If I wasn’t into writing before, then I wasn’t into it.

Now I am. We’re about a month away from Christmas. I’m handling things pretty decently. Except for the other day when I was watching tv and a Toys R Us commercial came on. Father and son on Christmas morning. Son is running after his new remote control truck, obviously controlled by dad. It stops at an open door (an open door in December??? Must not be a Canadian household), and then mom, in army fatigues, comes through the door – then something about the best gifts you can’t buy or something. Which is ironic, considering it’s from a toy company. Anyway, I got a lil teary. Then I realized that unlike many other years, I haven’t spent much of November in a fugue state. I haven’t had bouts of anxiety or depression (yet) – and that realization sent me into a bloody tailspin. Like full-on ugly crying, hysterical, can’t breath, sobbing into a kitchen towel, mascara friggin everywhere. I lost it cause I realized I hadn’t lost it yet? The mind works in weird ass ways. Took me about 30 minutes to get everything back under control. It’ll be interesting to see how December goes. December is rougher than November. Also, we’re not going away away for Christmas. We’re going about 3 hours north of the city, but we’re not going to the Caribbean or anything, which is a first in a long time.

I am cautiously optimistic. I’ve struggled with being optimistic. I want to be positive – but being positive in EVERY. SINGLE. INTERACTION. honestly feels disingenuous. Somethings just suck. Why do I have to find the silver lining? Why cannot I not bathe in the suckiness, and then move on? Working hard to find the faintest glimmer of positive in the suckiness can honestly be more friggin work than it’s worth. Not to say you should wallow. Don’t wallow. That ain’t healthy either. But neither is painting crap in sparkly glitter paint and saying it’s art. Β So I’ve been battling this idea that I need to be POSITIVE and I need to GLOW and I need to REACT in a DIFFERENT way. In case you couldn’t tell, it’s made me a wee bit angry πŸ˜‰ I am not saying that the positive movement is a bad thing. I’m saying that from my perspective it can be taken too far to the point we actually start ignoring or repressing things that we actually need to feel. Sparkly painted crap is still crap. If one doesn’t deal with the crap, it will come back. Like chronic indigestion.

So where does this mini-rant leave me?Β Trying to find the positive in being in a very similar place to where I was this time last year. In this situation, I must find the positive. The only other option is to shame myself. Shame myself for working on a fitness journey for a YEAR and not having made any progress. Well, that’s not an option. Where’s the positive then? I never once fully gave up. I kept trying. I kept working out and planning meals and trying to be careful. It was just more a reversed 80/20 rule. Paid attention like 20% of the time versus the 80% it should be. But it wasn’t 0% and that’sΒ a positive.

I’m in a new space right now. Newer headspace for the most part. I am not going to write down my goals here. Because I’ve done that so often and failed to reach them that it’s obvious this outpouring of goals doesn’t actually do anything for me. I don’t feel the pull of accountability. I have to learn to be accountable to myself. Not a blog or a challenge group. But to myself. Now of course, I still have my training wheels on so-to-speak in that I have my ride or die partner along for this particular stretch of the journey – but let’s not dump me in the deep end all at once.

I will be aiming to post more regularly. And I am hoping that the accountability I am building in myself will eventually be showcased here with a final “reveal” so to speak of what my goals were and how I achieved them.

Here’s to always moving forward.

Getting back to me

Wow, time flies when you have no time πŸ˜‰ 2 months ago I was all like, ooooh, so peaceful, look at me like peacefuling all over the place. It’s good to read back on that stuff and know that I’ve been in a place like that, that it does exist, and therefore, can get there again.

Right now I am sitting at the end of a marathon month. That’s right, Ramadan πŸ™‚ For those unaware, this is the month of fasting from sun up to sun down followed around the world by observant Muslims. My Moroccan has being doing this since he was a child. Last year, I made the conscious decision to stop being a crybaby and hop on the Ramadan band wagon and do the damn thing up properly. Except the fasting part. No thank you. I mean, giving my Moroccan the best Ramadan he can have, outside of Morocco.

So what does this mean? What this means is that my month is an endless, and I do mean endless, train of cooking, then cleaning up, then cooking again, then repeat, repeat, repeat. He breaks his fast at sun down and I eat my dinner with him (you know when the sun goes down in freaking June/July? 9pm peeps, 9pm….). Then, I clean up, he goes to mosque, I go to bed, and then I wake up at 1/1:30 to make “dinner”, getting back into bed usually in the neighbourhood of 2/2:30.

A lot of people scoff, or roll their eyes, or make pithy comments when I explain how it works. They tell me “pshaw, I’d just make him get it himself”, or “just make him eat what he had for “breakfast!” etc. My answer to that? What’s your most favourite holiday? Religious or otherwise. What is the most important time of year for you? For most of us, it’s Christmas. Ok – so imagine someone telling you, after you’ve explained that ya, the whole turkey dinner thing and putting up decorations and a tree is hard and time consuming, etc., and they say “well I’d just make him do it himself!” Could we imagine Christmas alone? Without our family? Without our favourite foods? Without the culture and traditions that go along with it? Is December a crazy month and a lot of work? Heck ya, but is it worth it? Well, you tell me.

Ramadan is my dude’s holiest time of the year. It is a revered time of prayer, and fasting, and connection to god. You’re not even supposed to swear during this month (we both fail miserably at that one). It’s so important that countries pretty much just grind to a halt. So why would I, if I don’t have to, make him do it alone? It’s a very isolating time if no one around you is supporting you. So, I decided to just throw myself into it.

I make traditional Moroccan food, and on certain nights, you’ll find me BBQing at 2:00 am. And my Moroccan is well fed, and watered, and healthy to last upwards of 18 hours of fasting. Tell me, would you would do it differently if it was your husband or partner? I don’t think so.

So where does that leave me? Well, not gonna lie, it’s left me out in the cold a little bit πŸ™‚ Each day (weekday), I had about 2-hours of free time in between cooking, cleaning, and trying to get some sleep. Where would those precious 2-hours be spent? Usually working. So all my prep and planning and making sure I was taken care of, poof, gone. No Meighan care for the past 30 days. I tried in the beginning, but the fragmented sleep schedule meant I was so tired I cried some days, and I just didn’t have it in me. I was so caught up in making sure the Moroccan was taken care of, that I didn’t remember to take care of me.

I didn’t do bento boxes. I didn’t do meal prep (for me). I didn’t get in my healthy breakfast. Nothing. All the planning was to make sure his nutrition needs were taken care of. So the meals I did prep, were for the midnight meal (suhoor) that he would eat at 2am. There I did salmon, and baked or BBQd chicken. Salads. Greek yogurt. Water filled fruit (to keep him hydrated). For his breakfast (iftar), it was his traditional soup for breaking the fast, plus eggs and dates. It was also at 9pm. So I either snacked my way from 6:00 to 9:00 pm and then didn’t eat a proper dinner (and these snacks were in the realm of cinnamon toast crunch, I’m not going to pretend they were healthy). So I very rarely ate a decent meal unless it was leftover from suhoor the day before. In the morning, in my fugue state, I just rushed out the door, leaving me to buy breakfast sandwiches from Tims or McDs, and lunch was much the same (buying something).

This has resulted in some horrendously bad choices, and me just throwing everything out the window. I didn’t take care of me, and now I’m paying the price. Last night we had the last iftar for this year, and I did a big BBQ. Lamb chops, chicken and beef kebobs, salad, garlic mashed potatoes, dessert. And then my body was like, that was the last straw bitch. And I spent a good portion of the evening in the washroom – where I will leave you to imagine the details. My body finally rebelled and said “enough is enough!” Feed me better! Exercise me! Stop treating me so badly! And I need to listen.

I do not regret putting him first this past month. He repeatedly told me it was the best Ramadan ever and how much he appreciates it. I also usually get presents, lol. Some girls get push presents, I get “we didn’t kill each other during Ramadan” presents πŸ˜‰ And I’ve learned for next year. I learned that I need to take the same zeal and dedication I put into meal planning and planning my workouts into planning Ramadan. I need to prep ahead of time. Freezer meals, etc., so that I don’t have to do it all the day of.

Now, I am so looking forward to getting back to me. I am looking forward to eating better and getting back to exercising. Apparently, according to my cousin, I gotta jump in and do month 2 of 22 Hard Corps. Great. lol. Then I’m going back to 21 Day Fix Extreme. Autumn may be a bitch, but she has weights. I like weights. I like the 22HC workouts, but I was right when I worried if I’d get bored. With Hammer and Chisel there were what, 14 workouts? Maybe more? So even into month 2 I still didn’t remember every single one and it was kinda new each time. With 22HC and the 21DF ones, you know what’s coming. I’d like to see BeachBody create workout programs with more levels, like Hammer and Chisel that aren’t just cardio based.

Today is Eid al Fitr, the celebration of the end of Ramadan. So when the boy gets back from mosque we have a great day of hanging out together, eating when the sun is still up (omg!) and then a lovely celebration dinner out at a Brazilian steakhouse. It’ll be nice to re-connect with each other. But after that, I’m back to planning and getting this wagon back on the road!

Finding Peace

It can often feel that we are in a constant search for peace, or peacefulness at the very least. But what do you do when you find it? Why, you blog about it of course! This is of course not to say that I have found the existence of eternal peace, or even fleeting peace, but that I merely experienced some aspects of it that were worth talking about.

I was eating lunch – leftover beef stroganoff (decently good, I will admit), and I’m in my staff room at work which overlooks Lake Ontario with a view of Toronto Island, and I let my phone drop into my lap, and I just gazed out across the water. Just breathing evenly and enjoying the budding green coming out on the trees, the glint of the sun off the choppy water, and the errant sail boat that would go skipping by. And I just sat. Just sat. My mind was still going of course – I wasn’t meditating (and even then, I’ve read things about it being ok now for your mind to do stuff during meditation which is cool), but overall things were calm.

And I began to think (about the way I would excessively use the word “and” in this post? No, don’t be silly – rhetorical devices are alive and well in this writer πŸ˜‰ ). What I began to think about was personal growth. Where I am now, and where I want to be. I thought about the past week and how it wasn’t a particularly easy week. It was a regular week – some very long days, some ok long days (I don’t have short days, haha). Had some difficult discussions with clients. Had some difficult discussions (read: arguments) with the boyfriend. Last night we were going to bed and he cuddles up to me (boy is a cuddler, love that about him – till I want to sleep, then move on ovah) and he asks “did you have a nice weekend” – and I murmur back “mmhmm, ya.” He replies – “did I piss you off?” Me – “ya”. Him – “did you piss me off?” Me – “ya”. Him (with some satisfaction) – “then it was complete” – πŸ˜€ We ruffle each other’s feathers, but in the end, we always come back to centre. It’s how we roll.

So, the past week wasn’t hard, but it wasn’t easy. But I’m not sitting in this beautiful space angry and pissed off over what went wrong. I’m not agonizing over what I did wrong. I’m just being. And it was peaceful.

I’ve come to a place in my journey that I am recognizing as a place I’ve not really been before, but one that is kinda nice and I want to stay in for a little bit.

This is a place of being happy with myself and what I’ve accomplished, but still knowing I want to go further.

This is where I smile more, and eat better, and exercise because I want to, not because I have to. I wake up every morning at 5:30 am (unless it’s a weekend), and some days are definitely harder than others, but overall, I don’t begrudge it. I’ve found myself getting up earlier on weekends as well (that I wouldn’t mind going back to normal, 7 am on a Saturday just feels wrong). It’s turning into a non-negotiable and that’s amazing. Yesterday I was tired – my feet were killing me. I had done prep for about 3 hours or so, tidied the kitchen, finished my planting, done laundry, done all my shopping, and still had to do my hair and put together a BBQ. I didn’t particularly want to work out. But it’s a non-negotiable – so I did it before dinner and before the BBQ. Felt great to get it done. And felt great to not give in to an excuse. Cause that’s what it would have been. Just an excuse.

This place is also where I am more comfortable being me. I am not furtively holding my cardigan wrapped tight around me, hiding my stomach. I’m just walking, no holding it all together. It’s where I surreptitiously touch my waist, or my abs, or my arm or leg muscles (that one’s hard to do surreptitiously, not gonna lie), to marvel at the muscles I’m gaining and the shape I’m re-gaining. It’s being confident in lifting tires above my head (bloody storage locker). It’s being able to do on-my-toes pushups for at least half of a round before having to modify. It’s confidence and comfort, and peace with things that are normally in turmoil for me.

It’s a cool feeling and one that I’ve noticed I’m having more and more of lately. This is how I want to live my life. I want to be generally at peace with things. There is a lot of work to do, but recognizing and appreciating it when I do feel it, seems like a nice start.

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My lunch view πŸ™‚